Introspection

I want to be part, but i don't want to be part. It's not that i am confused, no..i never was, always i knew and know what i want. And i work hard and most time i achieve my goal. I like wanting just to want, it shows there is life in me. And that life is active and vivacious, that life is true and hopeful, that life is Christ.


He takes most, if not all of me. Most times, it should be always, but always is often not achievable; still, he lives in me. Once i wanted to be the center of the party, often and not once i was always the center of attention, then it would be too much and it would leave me drained, and i would be so despaired, it left me critically gazing, then brutally amazed of how  mundane life was. People lived balefully. i was not most of those people, but i wanted to be them, also i did not want to be part of them. This is where the struggle originated.

I was pulled out of that, and i am forever grateful. i can never pay my dues in full, only till eternity, when and if i prevail and run the course, and cross the finish line. Just like in a race, there are spectators; those who cheer you on, then take selfies just to show they were in the race!  Thing they never realise is that for one to be in a race, one has to run the race. And hard do i run. I run with the anticipation of one day seeing Jesus the Christ in person. other days i run with the expectation of seeing El. But the running that drains me is this one; this one that you think you are running the same direction with people, only to realise you are alone. all by yourself. one. this one gets me.

Perhaps it is because i am an introvert, i like to do things by myself, so when i step out and accommodate people, the same people i find already have "cliques" "belong to clubs" and "not yet ringed circles".  I smile, i strive to "nice" i strive to appear, so that i can accept, i go over haul, introducing, inviting and hard of all incorporating people whom I do not even share the same goal, vision or value! none whatsoever. I call, check up and confirm on meetings i should not be part of! What kind of idiocy is this? I am to blame. No one but me, yes, i am to blame. I know i don't want to be "part of" but i strive to be "part of!" The other day in class, the lecturer asked " does anyone consider themselves fluent in public speaking?" i looked around class, just for at least one hand to be lifted up, so that i can lift mine up! this is the strange kind of stupidity the devil is trying to drawn me in! Never mind that i am an excellent swimmer.

So now i am here, on this pavement gray, boxed and vague, the wind blows strongly to where i have come from, if i cleave and cling on, i will not be blown back to the past. I must strive, i know where i am going, i know in whom i trust, i know my purpose, i walk on. Days filled with joy are priceless, i enjoy my fruits then. I like to laugh, i love to read, i want to know, i need to be alone at least one hour a day, i want to talk, talk sensible, purpose filled conversations.

I dont think i want to be part any more, its tiring! not because of people, no. It's because i was made to thrive best by my self. I play strong in a team, a team called I.

- FIN-

Knowing.

philosophia...i like knowing. i like the thrill and the search of knowledge, but every time i know, i question..i think it should be this way and not the way it has been written. Then someone reminds me "that's why they are great men of old" but where are the women? it's all Hippocrates, and Pythagoras. It's Socrates and Plato. It's Democritus and Aristotle. Where are the women? Perhaps it was a society full of men only...maybe it was a truly patriarch society. I still question, and i still want to know.

I want to know why i can't see él. I have waited, patiently so. But i don't know where él hides. Does él take the train while i drive? Does él party as i sleep? I just want to know. I pray everyday, well maybe some days, that the Lord, My lord is purifying, purging and preparing us for him.

Most days will go un eventful, then él comes up. él has deep brown eyes, but interesting spectacles. él scratches the right eye often, "its a habit Reh, never worry!" that's what él says..everytime i ask.  Then the laughter comes, and it never dies. i laugh mainly because él has such a kind heart, one like God's! " I also have dark black hair, just like él; we are so alike, él and me. él reads mind. like me, well not exactly; four decades is a long time to master human behavior; and "your behavior portrays a sensitive person." This él, knows me, well. Uncomfortable. "Now you are just looking away to distract me, not gonna happen! ~ él. the dimple on él makes me nostalgic, the days we have are so little, limited, i question how long this will go on. How will it end?

 Late night conversations are so rich, seems like the mind fights sleep. él was telling me about that shakespeare quote "As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods" the intelligence is what i first sensed. él is very intelligent and humble, and i love this on él. Very much. I used to hate nights, because they are dark, you know, pitch black that forms formless humans but the brain sees the form in the formlessness. él says its because Jesus brought me out of the darkness into light; and i agree. I told you, él knows me. i know él too. deep chocolate skin, kinky hair, only for the brave ~ scent, kind heart,focused spirit, humble finesse, inspiring character, and él loves vegetables! i told él once that "you are what you eat!" "Reh are you calling me a vegetable?" hahah! that was funny. 

Baby él is cute, bubble on the mouth always. Training  in the way that please the  Lord  is our aim. Always.  él is white and gray now. such a beauty to behold on a human's head. I say "it is because the Lord has favoured you, with me mainly!" él laughs, always at my wittiness, even after all these years, él is present. Now él likes knowing, asking, and finding out. 

I no longer seek, i no longer ask, but i still want to know, know how i could be so loved, how i could be so lucky, how i could be snatched from the grips of solitude!  

él. 

The thing that is not on your mind.

Wondering kind is the time when the mind decides to invade its own personal thoughts of a future untold. This particular wondering kind normally hits you when you are in the most awkward of times and places. This wondering kind decided to point its spiky bony fingers to me on a Sunday morning. 

THE SUNday I will never forget.

One day i was going to school; i had barely reached the school gate when the bell rung. No sooner had i entered school than the teacher on duty saw me and decided to make my behind a muscle building competition by use of a cane. A chill of fear run down my back and that is how i got my period  blah blah blah... Actually this is a flashback of class two!!! 

Anyyyyyywaaaayyyy to the real SUNday: this particular Sunday, was sugar and spice and everything nice like Josh Groban (insert dreamy eye love pumping heart and dreams coming true.) As a norm i was on my way to church, when cupid released its arrow early to ensure that i wore an outfit that revealed most of my feminine curves ensuring that i wore a feminine belt that matched my feminine shoes. In the spirit of feeling feminine i decided to listen to feminine tunes like "BESAMO MUCHO" by Andrea Bocelli (Insert another dreamy eye and Spanish dreams coming true)

<---------------  Girl thinking of dreams coming true.






I was in church ready to listen and learn. We sat down upon worship and praise team exit; as the routine in most Churches in Kenya  the preacher announced: "Turn to your neighbor and say hi with a great smile." Normally i would pretend i was busy and ignore but still suffering from the sting of cupid's arrow i turned to the guy on my left, did a small side smile then i turned to the guy and my right and that is the day i understood why they call it the "right" side because boy oh boy was this man "right" in all aspects! he was right to get my full smile; he was right to look like my Adam and he was right when he said: "my name is Victor, where have i seen you before?" i was about to ask him if he was missing a rib because right in front of his eyes stood his missing rib below:

Then i said " i don't know, He insisted and said: " am sure i have seen you somewhere: question is where?" i wanted to say "in my future dreams with our future selves in a future pack selling future things to future people." when i remembered that we were in church and that wisdom was a virtue.  we were cut short by the announcement that it was offertory time and the praise and worship team would bless us with a number; My mind hoped that the number would be Victors' telephone number but i only understood that a number in church meant a song. (no wonder i failed maths)  The praise and worship team began singing and that is when the thing that is not in my mind woke up. as they sung my mind translated the song to a blessing as below:

these tow very gentle men sang to Victor and i in a very gently tone and we responded as below:

The lady who passes the offertory basket came and Victor and i both dipped our hands in the basket at the same time! I was in bliss!!! Anyway need to say i did not listen to what the preacher thought that day because i was disrupted in my mind by the wondering kind thought. 

The service was over; as we walked out Victor said" now tell me where we know each other from." Gosh this guy was really pushing it. I feigned the "trying to remember" face and i shrugged my shoulders and said "i really can't remember."

We were soon at the exit of the church when i told him i was going right. he said he needed to talk a friend and then said "Im sure i will see you again right?" i said "right." 

Remember what i wrote about the wondering kind of thoughts? mhh never underestimate the power thoughts have in your mind. That is why i believe Paul said "renew your mind by finding out how Perfect God's will is". Everyday i learn that truth is what is present; i avoid at all costs thinking about the future because it is not real. 

Anyway i went home and then i decided to write about this so that you can laugh and then remember this piece the next time you are in church and you are sited next to a Victor look alike on your right! Oh also i have changed my signature from -FIN- to -Just like that!- they say a change is as good as a rest so am off to rest. :)

-Just like that!-

My "open" letter to God.

Reh N.G

Loving Daughter

P.o.Box; K-Town.

Dear God,

How are you?  Its so funny i asked that because i know beyond doubt that you are exceptionally fine.  i wrote this letter to you from the pits of my heart just to at least share my heart felt gratitude of how much you have been (great) more than i ever imagined to me this year. I often have short and some times even shorter "thanks giving to you" on an every day occasion but today i want to do something special. i thought to write you a letter. Please read it through after i am done. :)

In January i remember we were tight. I remember feeling such intense peace whenever i came in to your presence, i remember you giving me such calm and personal settlement i had never thought could happen to me. You oh Christ guided my every step, my every word, my every move and for this i sincerely want to thank you with the picture below:

Then came February, this human mind cannot remember anything special but for the fact that you were there with me Jesus, holding me every step of the way and for the fact that i was not lonely during valentines OOPS! I just said that!!! is a major reason i thank you Jesus. Indeed when you say you will full fill every desire of my heart, you are faithfully saying so. Again please see my gratitude through the picture below:

March,April and May were the months i am reminded i felt your presence near me as ever. Do you remember when i came crying on my knees pleading you to please give me a "better" job? remember those nights my mind was so troubled by my previous employer? remember when i did not have Car insurance it was a near arrest and i did the thing? remember God when i was at the parking of ALABASTRON sending sales and i just kept whispering under my breath please Father give me a job? Oh those days were so crazy! yet you held together my mind, you held together my sanity, you held together my dignity, above all, your love so strong knit together my mind,my hopes,dreams giving birth to a faith so strong. its ONLY you JESUS who could have done this to me, ONLY YOU! so for that i say:

JUNE...JUNE...mhh You came through for me in a BIG..sorry in a MIGHTY MIGHTY big way. i ask you dear reader; who else can give you a new job, cross that who can give you a brand managers position without papers and so you know how great JESUS is he gave me a new job on the exact date of my birthday! JUNE 4th was my first reporting day at my new job...Who but you? if only i can create something JESUS it would be for me just to say THANK YOU...but i hope this will do for now:

July,August,September; these were very very busy months...after talking up the new position. i remember setting up dates/days/hours just to go to "our" private room and say thank you and just ask for direction and wisdom. I remember one particular night (not sure it was during these months) i ask and cried for you to show your face, as i drove home, you spoke to me (still takes away my breath) and said "ISAIAH 54....i remember going home reading the verse and just crying..because you said you would do a great thing to me...i have seen these great works. i have seen you love me on end. i thank you JESUS. i thank you that my car got fixed after so many issues. i thank you for that fate full night as we were driving from Kisumu to Nakuru and our car was saved by your might hand from being crushed under a 20foot container. i thank you that i know you. i seek to say this as below:

October & November; the months when i was reminded that i was still beautiful in the eyes of men! the month when a minor confused everything in me...the months when i indeed realised i am not meant to be alone. Father you know who i speak of. I thank you from deep down my heart that i got to meet this individual and he got to show me your love through his utter confusion! did i just say that? i thank you God because you have been here through out this two months that have been thoroughly confusing, i thank you that you still love me even when i wade off your love. i thank you for your mercy. i wanna say i love you by just saying:

December: as i come to close of my many thank yous, i sincerely want to thank you for great friends. My girls who i for certainty know they have my back. I thank you God for Maria, she may read this as she smiles but Lord i know that girl gets me! i thank you for Judy for the spiritual mentor ship she puts my way. i thank you for my yellowest of friend Saru! i thank you for Steph, she reminds me of Eve...some how...  i thank you for Wamuyu, she has the strongest of zeal. i thank you for Daisy she reminds me of deep strength in a woman. i Thank you for Linda, i wish i would jog daily like she does. I thank you for coming through for Maggie direct her towards your precious pat in her new habitation  i thank you for Stella shes a great girl with an even great laughter. (even though she refuses to bring Mukami to me) i thank you for Yvonne so slim and elegant oh and the resilience she has! i thank you for Koi i want to be her when i grow up doing business. i thank you Lord Jesus for Terry; she is so focused she doesn't need a telescope to see the stars! i thank you for the strength you gave Evelyn keep her on course oh lord, i thank you Jesus for Laimani Bidali, how do i even start? she i think has the ability of 500 women!!! above all Jesus i thank you for my two lovely sisters, my tow nonchalant brothers and my dad....and the last and most probably least i thank you for my son, i thank you for my lad, whatever goes through that boys head? and now you even gave him an accent!!! how cool is that?

Jesus i still feel that this does not do much justice, i feel like this does not even cover half of what i would like to say but LORD you know my heart...as far as it goes you have been what i would call a friend, a lover, a mate, a husband, a provider, a protector, an abundant fulfilment in my life this year and for this please accept my heart filled gratitude:

Jesus just for the fact that i see another end year, just for the fact that i know you will be with me now and till the end of time, just because you loved me before i loved me,just because you are JESUS i pen off as i say:

-FIN-

Sunday Afternoon Goodbyes.

From a distance i can hear the silent wails of my soul slowly shrinking to the horror of Sunday goodbyes... its not so bad form me, i can manage, for sure i can with the strength of God. The person am really worried (OK kinda) about is my neighbour. See illustration below...

this guy below,

was singing to-------------------------> this chick

this particular Sunday afternoon, it was a normal Sunday PM, save from some extra weird noises coming from next door. 

Now, the hood i live in is pretty descent. The humans have smiley faces and  most of them pretend to like each other they also have this peculiar habit of ensuring their handshakes extend past your elbow; #too vigorous . Back to my noisy neighbor  i had just put on my second favorite show (Psych) when i heard a shriek, this one at least i knew was not weird rather it was fear that struck my ears upon sinking of the noise. Being one not to peep into other peoples affairs, i decided to weigh off and concentrate on SEAN....men that guys is hot.    ( main man in Psych) i was just about to get my usual epiphany from the show, when i heard an even louder scream. Same Location. This time r i did not ignore, i hurriedly opened my door and quietly, actually with a fearful and shaky hand i shakily knocked on the door and shankingly prayed no flying thing would be thrown my direction.(please note that this was the first time i was knocking on the door in like 12 months) just as i was walking away, the door went ajar and there stood a sweaty middle aged guy i could have easily mistaken with the guy who stole my heart sorry hat save that he was wearing a vest and he was not holding a mic and was not singing any harmonies. He looked at me with expectation not the good kind of expectation; rather the very very bad expectation, in fact he looked at me with the "Hitler" expectation. All i managed was to blubber out gibberish about weird noises coming from this house as i was watching Psych.

When God said to love your neighbor more than self, i cannot ascertain that this guy had ever heard of this important rule especially as he was looking at me then. I apologized for disturbing his peace and asked him if i could go back to my house (do not under estimate how fear can bring out words wished never to be said) he blatantly said no, he actually told me " Since you knocked on the door to ask what those noises are about, why don't you come in and find out." i politely said no and flashed my smile (it has some magic power; the smile not the words.)  "Oh its not a request" is what i heard last as i was quickly frisked into the house. I found the shrieking neighbor curled up in a corner.

Lost for words, i decided to not utter a single word from here hence. The guy closed his door proceeded to the bedroom, wore on some decent clothing, put on a decent cologne and was about to leave when the girl sprung up and held him by his leg, the way a little girl holds her papa just as he is about to leave. While all this was going on, i heard the scream re-emerge and that's how i knew that the noise was a "love clinging" noise and not a "hurting" noise. ! felt so stew-pid  i cannot write the name correctly. 

This scene actually reminds me of Arsenal..(huge fan btw) how they are clinging on to poorly played games leaving us "mashabiki" with holes in our hearts, as such this chick seemed to be developing a hole in her heart, she was literally clutching at a straw, the dude was nonchalant, you should have seen how he dragged her, easily shook her off his leg and off he was. If there was a day i doubted that tears would drown me it sure wasn't this day. oh how so did the lady cry. After what seemed like a loooooooong hour, she calmed down and started talking. "He always says goodbye every Sunday afternoon, then we call and talk then we meet again on Friday then he says goodbye again like this." my eyebrows betrayed me as i asked her in a dramatic utter surprise "this goes down every Sunday? " my reaction to the response as below:

Anyway that's how i knew Sunday afternoon goodbyes are heavy for loads of us. Maybe its the reminder that Monday's diabolic laugh is so near, or perhaps that you need to hang that damn loosing jersey for that damn loosing arsenal team, back to your childhood closet. Sunday afternoons are generally filled with goodbyes. My question how ever is why do we feel like this is the hardest time of the week? i think most of us are so stuck on this pattern we actually do not realise its a cycle.  

For a while now i have closely been reading on books sharing brain patterns, this one particular one stated that: "the mind of a human is so afraid of change it actually adapts itself to rid off any type of threat on change"  I cannot poignantly say that i have crossed out Sunday goodbyes as one threat to the brain, all i can say is that: change is actually good. Change enables us to see the God in others and thus help us realise his love 

abundantly through each other. The secret is to avoid carrying one experience to the next day, easy right? WRONG. We reference now via yesterday and make up decisions based on yesterdays experience for  today's lessons. Break that pattern and renew your mind. ( Romans 12-2) 

-FIN-

Holds Like June

START-

it is the feeling i get, when i listen to many a one of my favourite songs; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

incomparable to the previous yet seems just like the last;

painting of a red sash on my face background is some time i knew;

of wanting, wondering waiting and faithing of things unseen things untold of dams and mist.

must be something; somewhere between Jupiter and Earth; maybe lying on one of the beauty rings.

was young and untouched pure and free;

Spirit rose up above before height could reach.

In a blue dress, my hair flew across the clean and soft winds,

then she vanished and so did i, i have no memories all left untold.

the stick was my skins best friend, everyday we knew one another.

Botched and bleached her spirit dies,

as early as seven oh well she is gone.

she trades and wades on walls unfinished, on water kissing her heels is great feeling.

her thoughts are blank and dark as evening, yet home to go she must return.

he shouts and shrieks as if in injury; the only one in injury is her poor young soul.

Joy comforts in night of full moon light; they sit and howl the night till dusk.

to school she is off her best is at bay; yet quite is she and draws her to close.

her clothes are torn but that is not all; the stench is unbecoming you better keep your range.

the still little voice urges on she must; today this life to end it we shall.

And two decades a third later, she stands strong yet in passive nature.

she wills, and fights and gnaws at her, did not all the rest do the same to her?

of justified truths and snares from them, she felt left out but now she stands out.

to end this we must confront her; through wisdom and those words left unsaid.

Everything is on Enya’s lips, its a cold war Janelle reminds.

that intense feeling i get when i listen to my violin sound; still she remembers of days untold.

                                                     

- FIN-