I want to be part, but i don't want to be part. It's not that i am confused, no..i never was, always i knew and know what i want. And i work hard and most time i achieve my goal. I like wanting just to want, it shows there is life in me. And that life is active and vivacious, that life is true and hopeful, that life is Christ.
He takes most, if not all of me. Most times, it should be always, but always is often not achievable; still, he lives in me. Once i wanted to be the center of the party, often and not once i was always the center of attention, then it would be too much and it would leave me drained, and i would be so despaired, it left me critically gazing, then brutally amazed of how mundane life was. People lived balefully. i was not most of those people, but i wanted to be them, also i did not want to be part of them. This is where the struggle originated.
I was pulled out of that, and i am forever grateful. i can never pay my dues in full, only till eternity, when and if i prevail and run the course, and cross the finish line. Just like in a race, there are spectators; those who cheer you on, then take selfies just to show they were in the race! Thing they never realise is that for one to be in a race, one has to run the race. And hard do i run. I run with the anticipation of one day seeing Jesus the Christ in person. other days i run with the expectation of seeing El. But the running that drains me is this one; this one that you think you are running the same direction with people, only to realise you are alone. all by yourself. one. this one gets me.
Perhaps it is because i am an introvert, i like to do things by myself, so when i step out and accommodate people, the same people i find already have "cliques" "belong to clubs" and "not yet ringed circles". I smile, i strive to "nice" i strive to appear, so that i can accept, i go over haul, introducing, inviting and hard of all incorporating people whom I do not even share the same goal, vision or value! none whatsoever. I call, check up and confirm on meetings i should not be part of! What kind of idiocy is this? I am to blame. No one but me, yes, i am to blame. I know i don't want to be "part of" but i strive to be "part of!" The other day in class, the lecturer asked " does anyone consider themselves fluent in public speaking?" i looked around class, just for at least one hand to be lifted up, so that i can lift mine up! this is the strange kind of stupidity the devil is trying to drawn me in! Never mind that i am an excellent swimmer.
So now i am here, on this pavement gray, boxed and vague, the wind blows strongly to where i have come from, if i cleave and cling on, i will not be blown back to the past. I must strive, i know where i am going, i know in whom i trust, i know my purpose, i walk on. Days filled with joy are priceless, i enjoy my fruits then. I like to laugh, i love to read, i want to know, i need to be alone at least one hour a day, i want to talk, talk sensible, purpose filled conversations.
I dont think i want to be part any more, its tiring! not because of people, no. It's because i was made to thrive best by my self. I play strong in a team, a team called I.
- FIN-
He takes most, if not all of me. Most times, it should be always, but always is often not achievable; still, he lives in me. Once i wanted to be the center of the party, often and not once i was always the center of attention, then it would be too much and it would leave me drained, and i would be so despaired, it left me critically gazing, then brutally amazed of how mundane life was. People lived balefully. i was not most of those people, but i wanted to be them, also i did not want to be part of them. This is where the struggle originated.
I was pulled out of that, and i am forever grateful. i can never pay my dues in full, only till eternity, when and if i prevail and run the course, and cross the finish line. Just like in a race, there are spectators; those who cheer you on, then take selfies just to show they were in the race! Thing they never realise is that for one to be in a race, one has to run the race. And hard do i run. I run with the anticipation of one day seeing Jesus the Christ in person. other days i run with the expectation of seeing El. But the running that drains me is this one; this one that you think you are running the same direction with people, only to realise you are alone. all by yourself. one. this one gets me.
Perhaps it is because i am an introvert, i like to do things by myself, so when i step out and accommodate people, the same people i find already have "cliques" "belong to clubs" and "not yet ringed circles". I smile, i strive to "nice" i strive to appear, so that i can accept, i go over haul, introducing, inviting and hard of all incorporating people whom I do not even share the same goal, vision or value! none whatsoever. I call, check up and confirm on meetings i should not be part of! What kind of idiocy is this? I am to blame. No one but me, yes, i am to blame. I know i don't want to be "part of" but i strive to be "part of!" The other day in class, the lecturer asked " does anyone consider themselves fluent in public speaking?" i looked around class, just for at least one hand to be lifted up, so that i can lift mine up! this is the strange kind of stupidity the devil is trying to drawn me in! Never mind that i am an excellent swimmer.
So now i am here, on this pavement gray, boxed and vague, the wind blows strongly to where i have come from, if i cleave and cling on, i will not be blown back to the past. I must strive, i know where i am going, i know in whom i trust, i know my purpose, i walk on. Days filled with joy are priceless, i enjoy my fruits then. I like to laugh, i love to read, i want to know, i need to be alone at least one hour a day, i want to talk, talk sensible, purpose filled conversations.
I dont think i want to be part any more, its tiring! not because of people, no. It's because i was made to thrive best by my self. I play strong in a team, a team called I.
- FIN-
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